NOOOOOO! I don't want to go home! why why was I even a little missing home!! I just talked to my family for maybe 10 minutes and I am decided I 100% don't want to go home!!! I remember how much I hated life before coming to Japan! The reason I lived day to day back then was because I knew I could escape to Japan soon! What am I going to do now! I have nothing to look forward to! Only a bottomless pit of misery and dept and possibly no way out! I am a little freaked out! what am I going to do? I can't go back to living that way!I just can't!!!! But I am not ready to stand on my own 2 feet yet! I can't even drive for crying out loud! But I will go insane if I keep living at home!

I need to think! I need to learn how to drive ASAP! Or for the most part learn how to stay awake while driving!!! After that pay back the dept I got from Japan, it shouldn't be too too hard I can pay it back within a few months! Then find a cheap place to live and I mean super cheap, I have lived in tight living spaces all my life and most places are better than my home! Then it's find a way to get back to Japan if I can do this quickly I might be able to skip that last step and just put up with living with my family for a year, but I really don't think I can last that long!!!

Finally being away from my family has made me realize how horrible I was living!!! Now that I have had a taste of freedom I don't want to be the slave of the house anymore!!! *sigh* why does life have to suck so bad! I am finally happy in Japan out on my own, I don't know how I will be able to live like I used to!

For now I better catch up with my friends and enjoy my last few moments of happiness, they are all I have left!

Well looks like I will be riding with my supertomodachi to the airport Monday. I was clinging to hope that my family would want to see me off, since they wont get to see me for 3 months and all... Nope they would rather sleep in! My mother made it clear that she did not want to take me to the airport! lol my family sure loves me ne! I kinda feel a little awful inside, what is this feeling? kinda like emptiness but not quite... lol oh well it's not like I really expected them to want to say goodbye properly, I just... it was just wishful thinking ne!

*sigh* I kinda feel like crying but that wouldn't help anything! It just hurts knowing and being reminded that your parents don't love you as much as other parents love their children! I have to admit I am a bit jealous of my friends, sure nobody has perfect parents but I am tried of trying and failing for my parents! It's been like this all my life, I am just never as good as my other siblings in anything! My older sister was the best at any sport she played she didn't even have to try she just was good at it! My older brother got in trouble a lot but he was so street smart he could get away with a lot with my parents(not sure if this is really a good quality?!) My little sister gets straight A's while playing sports and an instrument, not to mention she has my father wrapped around her finger, and lastly my younger brother "the child that can do no wrong!" Where am I in this? I am the forgotten child, no really I have been left and forgotten in so many places, I think I am so "my paced" because I am used to wasting time waiting for my parents to remember me! *sigh* I am just too soft and too eager to please others, I should try to stop this because it gets me nowhere but hurt.

OMG sorry I promised not to post these negative posts anymore!!! Sorry! I just needed to vent! It must be boring reading that! Well I will keep trying to only write happy thoughts from now on! Like how I am leaving in less than a week!!! I have the school paid for, the plane paid for, the apartment on hold! We have the game plan for when we first get there down! (basically go as fast as we can to get the the apartment agency before they close!) I can't wait this will be so much fun! well I am off to try to get some boring work done! ttyl Jaa!

For Gods sake just shut up mother!!!! I don't want to fight you! Just stop trying to pick a fight with me!

*sigh* this morning she was asking me about what my rent would be in Japan. "$600 is too much they are over charging you! You can't stay there!" Ummm this is actually a great price in Japan!!! "What you have to pay utilities too!! What kind of shitty place is this? There is no way utilities are around $100 per person! You are wrong!!" Ok mother you know all this because you are a Japanese housing expert right? You are so wise to tell me I am wrong because you have been to Japan and know this for a fact? Oh how about NO! You don't have a clue! You have no right to tell me anything you racist hypocrite! Ok enough of this rant I just needed to get this off my chest... I am still a bit bitter towards my mother from yesterday too, so now it's best to just spend my time away from her!