Long time no write.... I really feel like jumping off a really tall building right now, like 13 stories should do nicely! I think if I wasn't about to leave my life behind and go to Japan sadly I really might do it right now. I've just been having a shitty time lately...

I referee soccer on Saturdays and today just had some really stupid parents, It's hard to do your job when you have a sideline of more than 20 people yelling at you because their daughter just tripped over a clump of grass. It's not a foul when they fall on their own retards!

I am also upset because I worked really hard on a fundraiser to buy prizes for a contest... I got $6 and some good memories out of the fundraiser so I really shouldn't complain but when it came time for the much anticipated contest I was let down a bit. We made around $200 to buy prizes so I was under the impression there would be lots of prizes for many people to win... but I was mistaken because only 3 people would win the many prizes. I was also under the impression that we would be grouped according to grade level... but it turned out that only the 3 top grade level students won the prizes... I didn't care so much that I didn't win, because I made quite a few mistakes but No one in my grade level or a lower grade level won anything! I thought 1 or 2 people from each grade level would win a prize. That is a small part of my bitterness towards life right now.

Next Puppy peed on the bed my little sister was sleeping in last night... I didn't know at the time but this morning my mother asked "did the puppy pee on the bed? you need to clean it up if she did!" So I go ask my sister if the puppy peed... No answer she is "too busy" getting ready and ignores me ... SO I come home to find my sister sleeping in my bed. "What are you doing in my bed? I want to go to sleep so move!" "The puppy peed in my bed and mom told you to clean it!" she says... Now, she has been home all day doing NOTHING! and she wants me to clean her bed that OUR puppy peed on!!!! Then my mom yells in telling me to clean it and why didn't I do it this morning! (this morning as she was yelling at me that we were going to be late for soccer!) and then how I never do anything for the puppy so she is going to get rid of it(even tho I am the only one that does anything for the puppy, they play with her while I am stuck with everything else), how absolutely worthless I am at listening and doing anything right! So I clean the bed in silence because I am soo tired and I just want to go to sleep! But now I am awake so this sucks!

This is exactly what I need, to be constantly reminded what a horrible person I am. Apparently it is proper parenting to tell your children they are worthless failures, ecpessially after they just gave there all in a contest that they had no chance at doing anything but failing in! Maybe this is all just telling me what I can't understand I really am a failure! lol can I really amount to anything? It seems it might be easier to quit now, it might be less painful ne!

sorry for how bad this sounds it may just be the lack of sleep talking but I am fed up with my life right now!